"Having a Baby is Not a Reason to Get Married!"

I hate to use them as an example again, but I remember watching True Life: I'm Pregnant and hearing the sista tell her man that, and I quote, "...Having a baby is not a reason to get married." I was floored. I guess I'll be honest. I'm a little bit of a traditionalist. I'm thinking that if I'm good enough to go through vomitting, nausea, pre and post-partum depression, baby blues, swollen feet, near death, terrible self-esteem, inability to breathe and terrible constipation just to carry your seed, I am good enough to get married to.

Or it used to be that way, anyway. These days, some men get the wrong kind of women pregnant and realize their mistake, so they bounce out. So there are exceptions to my logic as there are some women who have NO business getting pregnant. Can anyone say Casey Anthony?

In any case, I want to argue why it's important to be married if you're going to have kids with someone.

In this episode, they'd been together for seven years. I think that's commendable that they've been together that long. She also did say she wanted to get married, but I disagree that the baby isn't a reason. It just doesn't make sense to have kids with someone, and form a bond that lasts a lifetime because of the child, then find that they aren't a reason to get married.

Now some folks will ask, "So they should get married and have the kid see them miserable if they don't want to be together?" Then there shouldn't have been a kid in the relationship in the first place. Ideally, if you and someone have a child together, and your both active and sticking around to form your family, why can't you find the same redeeming quality that led to the baby valuable enough to marry that person?

Any thoughts?

Aren't There Enough Men Out There?

The last time I was really cheated on (without having done so first) was in high school. I found out my guy was cheating on me emotionally and physically twice. Each time I took him back, until he didn't want me no mo'. He kicked me out of his house after I got sick to my stomach and asked to go puke in his bathroom. I went to beg him to take me back because I would forgive everything and make it work. He wasn't having it.

I was a broken little thing and my self-esteem was damned near non-existent without him. I just couldn't see myself having value without him, so I was willing to stay with this cheating bastard. In the end it didn't pay off because he ended up leaving me anyway. In all honesty, I probably would've bounced, but I waited too long. I should've let him go at the first sign of problems.

I learned my lesson, and honestly, I would never want to be there again. I felt like a fool, on top of the inadequacy and the blame I put on myself for his cheating. There were tons of guys around, and as I was getting ready to graduate shortly thereafter, I should've not even stressed his butt, but I did. Knowing what I know now, I would've laughed and kept it moving. NO man is worth your self-worth or self-respect going straight to hell. Sometimes in life, your self-respect is the only thing that you will have well all else fails. I wish more women, especially sisters would realize this.

Black women will stick with trifling men because collectively we believe that our value is dependent on men, and having a man. We believe that there is a shortage of men, so when we find one, sometime we stick around a little too long despite the fact that it's obvious that not even CPR could resuscitate the relationship.

I don't know why? Aren't there enough men out there? I can guarantee that there are plenty of men out there that will do right by you as soon as you get the courage to get out of the relationship. If you are open to dating men of other races, your odds are even higher as the number of available men increases (just simple math, not a message to do so).

I'm watching MTV's True Life: Summer Share 2 and this beautiful girl is stressing this fat guy named Bull. Oddly enough he resembles a Bull and I amazed that he even has options to cheat on her. She has serious trust issues with him, found out that some chick cooked breakfast for him naked, and still tried to make it work. She even thought about staying in the area just so she could be with him. Are you kidding me? She could snag a much hotter guy, but yet she acts like this is the only man left on Earth. It's clear that she doesn't realize her self-worth. I grant that different strokes for different folks, but this dude is no Brad Pitt. I don't see any woman devaluing herself for some cheating guy, but I guess I could give some sympathy if the dude was Brad Pitt or Reggie Miller...but not some dude that resembles a bull.

Some will say it's love, I will say that it's not evaluating just how much your stock really is if you choose to stay with a cheater.

Thoughts?

What Makes You a Good Girlfriend? What Could You Do Better?

Over at the The FlyGuy Chronicles, there's a post on what makes a good girlfriend. I'd like to think I'm a good girlfriend, but I have some different reasons. Here's what I think makes a good girlfriend. These are the traits that I honestly follow.

1) Affection: I am extremely affectionate to Mister. I adore him and I honestly still get flutters when I see him. Yeah, David Beckham is cute, but to me, my baby is finer than any of those dudes. Especially when he has that rugged beard growing. GRRRRR!

2) Sex on tap: I'm always ready. He gets my engine running after all this time and I only want him dipping into the cookie jar for a treat. I'm not even interested in anybody else sexually. The thought of someone else is unfathomable, never mind gross.

3) Domestic Diva: I keep the house orderly, clean and I cook. He cooks too, but I cook most of the time and I truly like cooking for him. I like to make his tummy happy.

4) His ace: When times have gotten rough for him, I've come through. Many times my heart was breaking, but I came through because I love him. There is no other options.

5) My BFF: I honestly consider my baby to be like my best friend. Now, the good thing is that I don't see him as so much of a best friend as my homegirls, because if I did, we'd probably on the wrong track, but I see him as someone who is my ace and I hope, I know he sees me as his ace. He knows I'll fight for him if necessary. Ain't no one hitting my baby without me jumping in to whoop that ass.

What I Could Work On:

1) Man Stuff: I'm a product of a divorce and my dad took the coward's way out and left me high and dry. I am learning to let go and let him be a man. I'm fiercely independent and usually I have been raised to believe that it should just be me, myself and I. I am learning that it's okay to let him do things. I honestly felt that guys would appreciate my rugged independence, but men still like to feel like they are that rock. I can be a rock too, but I need to let him be a rock.

2) Take a Chill Pill: By nature, I am goal-oriented and will be very disciplined to the point of rigidity to get to those goals. Mister is more laid back. I used to get upset when he didn't show that same drive that I had. I know now that he is who he is, and is an adult. There will be repercussions for some of his actions, as he has seen already, if he is not on the ball as fast, but it doesn't mean that I need to create another me.

3) Let it go: There were some things that he did in the beginning that were hard to swallow, like keep communications with other folks on Myspace at the start of our relationship. I am learning to leave that at that and realize that I wasn't a saint either. I was separated, but my divorce wasn't final. In fairness to him, he was left wondering if he was just a rebound and got his ducks in order.

4) Realize the compliments are for real: So I ate too much pumpkin pie at Thanksgiving and am feeling a little fat. He says that it's nothing to worry about and he doesn't even notice the bazillion pounds I swear I put on. Instead of discounting what he says, and saying, "Oh! You're just saying that!" I should believe that he is sincere. I realize that it's screwed up to have him be honest and have me question that.

5) We have what we have: Sometimes I'll read some piece by some blogger and start panicking at why Mister doesn't do that. Then I start wondering if it's because I'm not good enough. I am learning that the fantasy we have in our heads is not always realistic. Mister is not like the fantasy that I had in my head, and that's okay. I prefer the real thing anyway. There's just something about how imperfect he is compared to my fantasy that makes him so lovable and worthy.

I'll actually be writing about the contrasts between the fantasy I used to have and my real life Prince Charming in an upcoming post!

Thoughts! What makes you a good girlfriend? What could make you better?

My Least Favorite Things: The Female Version of Blue Balls

I was feeling real good today. I ate right, worked out, made sure I was extra clean. I flirted at dinner, and afterwards. I even cuddled up and all that. I'm ovulating (Yeah, TMI but you have to understand that when I am ovulating I am a freakin' succubus. I am hor-nay!), I'm lotioned up, I smell good, all that. I am thinking it's about to go down as soon as the little one is asleep.

Little one is asleep now. Good. Mister seems to be rubbing on my thigh flirtatiously. Yes! I'm going to get it.

NOPE! I don't get it. I didn't get it. Anger doesn't even begin to describe how I feel right now. I am oh so hot about this mess.

Look, I know that couples won't have sex everyday, but when I get indicators throughout the day that something is going to go down and all of a sudden he changes his mind, I get mad. If I dont feel like giving up the cookies, then I won't dangle the damn cookie jar in his face on purpose. He consistently does that mess more often than not and I get mad.

I know girls get this. That detergent Gain kind of had a comnercial about that with the chick all dolled up in bed waiting, but her man pays attention to something else and leaves her hanging. Her face said it all.

Look men, don't do that. That is not very nice at all. Now, I've got to take the next best thing, but not nearly as good as the original, my vibrator and release some tension or I'll be so mad I won't talk to him tomorrow.

Someone, anyone, tell me I am not alone in this!

Could Porn Lead Him Astray?

Sometime ago, about two years to be exact, Mister and I had a big falling out over his constant patronization of porn on the t.v. I had finally had enough when I called from work and he wouldn't answer, only to find out that his jackoff session to some dvd was more important. I had a fit and called him a degenerate. That didn't go over so well, and in that time, a lot has changed. To my knowledge, he's not watching porn. He could be hiding it, but if he is, he's still improved.

Prior to that, I really didn't have a great huge problem with it, but one thing was nagging at me and that was the potential for him to go astray after watching too much porn.

I always believed that in large doses, porn could send your man off into the world chasing for that piece of ass that looks like the girl in the video. Now I realize that not all men are like that. I can watch a porn and not want to have sex with the guy or anyone that looks like him. I won't start to say, "Gosh! I need to find that dude or a dude just like him." I certainly don't say, "I wish he would do that to me." I have seen comments to that effect. I've been able to separate the real from the fantasy, but with my guy's constant watching of his dvd's, I wondered if he was watching them because the real thing didn't add up.

I have no problem with him watching videos we've done. I just had issue with him watching videos of females that look nothing like me, that I wouldn't dare aspire to be.

I read once that pornography can lead men of a more pliant mind into thinking that relationships and sex ought to be a certain way. I agree. We can't even look at natural tits without calling them "saggy" because we've been conditioned to believe that fake tits, or tits that look so perky they could be fake are the norm. There are plenty of pliant minds out there. If a guy watches too much porn, could he not start to yearn for what's on the television and not what's in his bedroom?